The Lost Show:
I'll See You in Court (308)


Part 3

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Judge : Ms. Weigel, would you care to make an opening statement?
Ms. Weigel : The defense passes for a moment, your Honor.
Steve : Good move, girly.
Judge : Mr. Rhoades, you may call your first witness
Steve : Your honour, my only witnesses are exhibits A and B.
Marcy : (Holding Steve back) Steve, you have the tapes? You're not going to show those?
Steve : A million dollars, Marcy.
Marcy : Doesn't my honor mean more to you than a million dollars?
Steve : (Looking to the ceiling, then turning around) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit A.
(He gives the tape to the bailiff, who puts it into a VCR. Only the jurors and the marshal can see the TV screen. After four hours they are still watching the tape)
Steve : Aaaand the end!
(The jurors start to applaud and stand up. One juror shakes Steve's hand)


 Steve with the Jurors

Steve : Oh, I'd say it was nothing, no really!
(The stenographer gives a small paper to Steve; he reads it and smiles at her)
Steve : And now exhibit B, the subpoenaed tape of Mr. and Mrs. Bundy.
Steve : (Not one minute later) Aaand the end. And so, in conclusion, I'm sure it's obvious that our privacy was indeed invaded. And so we deserve a million dollars. I rest my case.
Judge : Ms. Weigel?
Ms. Weigel : I'd like to call my first witness to the stand, Mrs. Marcy Rhoades. Mrs. Rhoades, have you ever been to the Hop-On Inn before the evening in question?
Marcy : Yes, once or twice.
Ms. Weigel : We can't hear you.
Marcy : I said once or twice.
Ms. Weigel : Need I to subpoena the desk clerk, Guido?
Marcy : 30 or 40 times.
Ms. Weigel : 30 or 40 times? Well, I suppose that's normal. Mrs. Rhoades, are you wearing underwear?
Marcy : Two pairs.
Ms. Weigel : And are they both crotchless?
Marcy : Yes. Damn you.
Ms. Weigel : Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you, does this woman, the same woman you've witnessed on the tape look like a woman who's been wronged by anyone but her husband?
Steve : I object!
Marcy : Sure, when she picks on you. Where were you during the underwear examination?
Ms. Weigel : Mrs. Rhoades, you were not one bit deceived, you knew that camera was there all along.
Marcy : What kind of a woman do you think I am ?
Ms. Weigel : Let's just see. Shall we? Look familiar? (She holds up handcuffs, Marcy groans)


 Ms. Weigel and Marcy

Ms. Weigel : Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades. Get out of my sight. You make me sick. (Marcy hurries back to her seat with her head down)
Ms. Weigel : I'd now like to call up to the stand, Mr. Al Bundy.
Peg : You did put on clean underwear today, didn't you Al?
(Al lowers his head, so does Peg. Then Al goes to the stand)
Ms. Weigel : Mr. Bundy, on what grounds are you suing?
Al : Er ... well, my wife is sick of poverty and ah ... she told me she'd give me five thousand dollars.
Ms. Weigel : That's it?
Al : Ahm ... then there's that outrage thing.
Ms. Weigel : Mr Bundy. Let's once again view that arousing performance you claim that my client is capitalizing on.
(The court watches the tape)
Al : I'm er ... feeling relaxed here, and I'm ... breathing good, there's the foreplay and ... once again, I finish first.
Ms. Weigel : I'd now like to call Mrs. Bundy. Mrs Bundy, did you have sex with your husband at the Hop-On Inn?
Peg : Yes.
Ms. Weigel : Mrs. Bundy, may I remind you that the penalty for perjury is seven years in prison where, I assure you, you will have sex?
Peg : All right, well, it may not be sex to you, but it is to me. And just because you all have husbands who can last long enough to time an egg doesn't mean that what Al does doesn't count.
Ms. Weigel : You may step down.
Peg : Is a crumb not a banquet for a starving person?
Ms. Weigel : You may step down.
Peg : Is a fig leaf not clothing for the naked?
Ms. Weigel : Please step down.
Peg : You can't do this to Al.
Judge : Remove this woman.
Peg : He'll lose what little confidence he already has! (She shouts and looks at Al; the bailiff takes her out of the room) You were great baby! Please, oh please, don't listen to her, don't give up! You're much man. Oh God!


 Peggy's Breakdown

(Break)

Judge : Has the jury reached a verdict?
Jury Foreman : Ah, yes we have, your Honour. We, the jury, award punitive damages of 10 000 dollars to Mr. & Mrs. Rhoades on the grounds that their privacy was indeed invaded.
Steve : (to Marcy) Not bad, huh Babe?
Marcy : Curdle and die!


 Marcy and Steve

Jury Foreman : And as for the Bundys : no sex, no money!
Judge : Thank you ladies and gentleman of the jury. This court is now adjourned.
(Everybody but the Bundys leaves the room. Al and Peg sit down)
Peggy: Well Al, at least we still have each other. (She starts to cry)
Al : Peg, come with me. (He makes her stand up)
Peg : Where are we going?
Al : Come here a minute, over here.
Peg: Where, Al?
(They go to the judge's bench)
Al: Hurry up, come on ...get down in there.
Peg : Like this Al?
Al : Yeah, like that.
(They lie down behind the judge's bench. Four hours later, a cloud of cigarette smoke appears behind the bench)
Al : Now, was that sex, or was that saaax?
Peg : That was saaax, Al! And you know, if we had been on tape, we would have made a million bucks.
(The camera zooms to a closed circuit camera at the wall behind the judge's bench which is pointed at Al and Peg)

The End


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© Andreas Carl 1997