First and last lines of characters are printed in green italic. As always, I prefer the production code order
to the original US air date order. The first episode was the pilot (101), the last one "How to Marry A Moron"
(1124). However, five weeks after this last show, "Chicago Shoe Exchange" (1121) premiered in the US. This can be
considered to be the last episode, but that was not the idea of it. There is an episode which hasn't aired in the
US, so far. It's called "I'll See You in Court" (308). Here at Bundyology, you can find an
illustrated transcript of it, but I guess nobody will say that this is the final show
when it will be aired in the US some day. "Chicago Shoe Exchange" aired after the official end of the series, and
so will "I'll See You in Court". Therefore I consider "How to Marry A Moron" to be the final episode.
Thanks a lot to Carolyn Crapo, Grail, Jeffery J. Leader, Sagy Noyman and Marriedaniac who made this
page possible. Also thanks to Petr Misák for his efforts.
The very first scene of the series in "Pilot" (101)
Kelly walks past Peg, who is seated at the table, sits on the couch and starts writing. The pot plant
behind the couch moves towards her. Bud jumps out of it and grabs her hair.
Kelly: Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!
Bud: Die, commie bimbo!
(he pretends to cut her throat with a toy knife)
Peg: Now, Bud, I thought we talked about this before.
Bud, letting go Kelly's hair: What's that, Mom?
Peg: You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending
to kill her... Do you remember the effect it had on Grandma? Nobody likes it,
nobody thinks it's clever, so cut it out, okay?
Bud: Sure, Mom.
Peg: Now go to school.
(a shool bus honks and Kelly and Bud head for the door; Kelly opens it and stops to stare at Bud)
Kelly: I hate you!
(they leave the house as Al comes down the stairs)
Al: Hey, hon. Anything goin' on?
(Al reaches the table)
Al, holding up a small cactus: Sweetie... is this your little cactus?
Al: Any particular reason you put it where the alarm clock used to be?
Peg: I thought it would dress up the room a little bit... Oh gee, I meant to
tell you to be careful when you slammed your hand down on it this morning...
Al, holding up his dressed hand: Well, you didn't.
Al: It's okay, I stopped the bleeding with your slip.
(they discuss on)
The first appearance of the Rhoades in "Pilot" (101)
The doorbell rang already four times. Al and Peg are standing in front of the couch.
Peg: Now that's them. Al, another thing. Do not eat (a fifth ring) or drink anything. One
of them may need to use the bathroom after you.
Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
(a sixth ring)
Peg: You will not hate them, they are very nice.
Al: If they were nice they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.
Peg: Get the door!
(a seventh ring when Al goes to the door)
Al: Get my juice!
(Al opens the door and looks back to Peg; Steve and Marcy stand outside)
Marcy: Hello, I'm Marcy.
Steve: I'm Steve.
Marcy: You have a beautiful home.
Al: Yeah, so do you, come on in.
(they enter; Al closes the door behind them)
Steve, to Peg: Howdy, neighbour!
Al, to everybody: Yeah, yeah, yeah, (silently to Peg) I hate these people!
Peg: Please sit down... (everybody sits down) gee, you know, I'm kind of embarrassed, I have nothing
to serve you.
Al: Yeah, listen, if you're hungry there's a store a few blocks away. If
you go you can get me some juice, okay?
Peg: Al's only kidding. He's just a little upset because I didn't have time to do the shopping.
Marcy: You know, (Steve and Marcy are looking at each other) Steve and I decided to share the household chores.
(Steve and Marcy do the Eskimo greeting with their noses)
Peg: You see, Al? Steve helps around the house.
Al: Way to go, Steve! Say, listen, who'd you like to win the NBA championship this year?
Steve: Well, Al, to tell you the truth since we got married I don't watch
much sports. Marcy doesn't like it and we decided we'll only do things we
Marcy: I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think
it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow
up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not
being exposed to sports.
Al: You gonna neuter him too?
(Al and Peg start to laugh, Steve and Marcy are shocked)
Steve: Do you two have any kids?
Marcy: Where are they?
Al: I don't know.
(they discuss on)
Jefferson D'Arcy's First Lines in "Married... with Who" (512)
One morning, Marcy woke up in her bed, a man lying next to her. She notices that she is married to him and
hurries over to the Bundys. Standing in the Bundy living room, she reads the text on the t-shirt she is wearing.
Marcy: ... "I went to Clyde's, no blood test needed, wedding chapel and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
(the doorbell rings)
Marcy, shocked: Oh God! It's my husband! Don't tell him I'm here.
Al: She's here! Come on in!
Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife?
(He looks at Marcy (who is smiling self-consciously at him), then Peggy (who is shining with pleasure), then Kelly
(who is playing with her gum))
Jefferson, to Kelly: Alright! Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.
Kelly, getting up: Bye Daddy.
Peggy: No no no no no... You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. Now we can go back to bed?
Marcy: Oh shut up! (she walks towards Jeff) It's me (she jumps up and down), It's me!
Jefferson: You? Oh yeah! I remember you now. You were the one on top of the old girl banker pyramid (Marcy smiles at
the Bundys). Well, by the way, my name is Jefferson
(they chat on)
Steven Rhoades' Last Lines in "Radio Free Trumaine" (926)
He's being hoisted in the air by the angry student mob after trying to cancel Mark and Oliver's
"I have decided, out of my own sense of decency, to give in to your demands.
Mark and Oliver are back in school and on the radio station. But you have not heard
the last of meeee...!" (a student finally gags him).
Jefferson D'Arcy's Last Lines in "How to Marry A Moron" (1124)
He is moseying around the backyard taping the wedding, although his camera seems to focus itself mostly
on comely female guests. Peg has just asked Al where her Wanker relations are, and Al blithely
replies that he doesn't know, just as Lucky is digging up the bundle of invitations which he's buried
in the backyard.
Jefferson asks Lucky: "What's that you've got there, boy?"
He stands besides Marcy in the next-to-last (penultimate) scene, but he has no more lines.
Marcy D'Arcy's Last Line in "How to Marry A Moron" (1124)
Her last line is in the middle of a gag, actually. Shocked that Lonnie made a pass at her even as he was
getting dressed for his own wedding, she whispers the news to Jefferson, and it gets relayed
via Peg to Al, who rises to stop the ceremony.
Al thunders: "He's still hitting on good looking women!"
Marcy interjects: "Thanks, Al!"
Al continues: "And on top of all that, he's just hit on one who looks like a man!" (Marcy scowls)
The Very Last Scene of the series in "How to Marry A Moron" (1124)
The four principals give their last lines after the wedding had been stopped and nearly everybody
had left the backyard. Here's the last segment ever of Married... with Children:
Peg, consolingly: "Are you okay, honey?"
Kelly, hesitatingly: "Yeah, I guess so. You know, I'm going to miss
Lonnie, but at least I have something that'll always remind me of him."
Al, drily: "A $10,000 wedding debt?"
Kelly: "No, Daddy, that's... that's YOURS. I've got this." (twiddles
finger with huge diamond ring on it). "And my loved ones to console me."
Bud, warmly: "We're here for you, Kel."
Kelly, scornfully: "Not you!" (she crosses over to the knot of old
boyfriends, who are now happy again, goes into their midst, and turns to
face her family; with a big smile she says) "THEM, hahahahaaa!"
Freeze frame, fading out. Then black screen. In elegant white script flashes: