Last update May 13, 2010

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Bundy credos are available at the Bundy Principles page.

Love and Marriage Married... with Children theme song

Love and marriage,
Love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
This, I tell you, brother,
You can't have one without the other.
Love and marriage,
Love and marriage,
It's an institute you can't disparage.
Ask the local gentry,
And they will say it's elementary.
Try, try,
Try to seperate them.
It's an illusion.
Try, try,
Try and you will only come to this conclusion.
Love and marriage,
(Cut in Married... with Children)
Love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
This was told by mother.
You can't have one,
You can't have none,
You can't have one without the other.

Music & Lyrics by Sammy Cahn & Jimmy van Heusen
Performed by Frank Sinatra
Recorded on August 15, 1955.

"Thank Your Father, Kids."

"Thanks, Dad." 203 (3 times), 204 (twice), 213 (twice), 413, 618, 626, 921
"Thanks, Mom." 1108
"Thanks, Mr Rhoades." 209

Al Bundy's Christmas story
from It's a Bundyful Life (Part 1) (412)

Twas the night before christmas, and all through the house,
no food was a stirring, not even a mouse.
Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie,
along with a note that said "presents or die".
Children were plotting all night in their beds,
while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.
But daddy had money this year in the bank,
then they closed up early, now dad's in the tank.
...and all of a sudden Santa appeared,
a sneer on his face, booze in his beard.
Santa I said as he laughed merrily,
you do so much for others do something for me.
Bundy he said, you only sell shoes,
your son is a sneak-thief, your daughters' a flooze.
Ho Ho Santa said, should I mention your wife,
her hairs like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife.
As he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung,
he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue.
And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee:
you're married with children, you'll never be free.

Five Days of Christmas
from It's a Bundyful Life (Part 1) (412)

Bud: 5 bowls a-flushing
Peg: 4 'roids a-throbbing
Kel: 3 nosehairs waving
Bud: 2 children starving
Peg: 1 untouched wife!

Al pays the bills
from Raingirl (419)

Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha
Early grave, cha cha cha
Alright now, everybody - shoot me!

Psycho Dad original theme song
from Al... with Kelly (501)

Who's that riding into the sun.
Who's the man with the itchy gun.
Who's the man who kills for fun!
Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad!
He sleeps with a gun, but he loves his son.
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton... Psycho Dad!

Daddy poem
from The Unnatural (504)

D is for the many pies I baked you.
A is for the apple in my eye.
D is for the dish you ate the pie in.
D is for the apple in my eye.
Y ? Because I love you!
Put them all together, they spell "daddy".

Al's Gardening Song
from Wabbit Season (508)

Ol' McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.
And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y.
With a no wife here, and no kids there,
And a hooker coming over on Friday night,
Big hooters with a pizza and a beer there,
Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y!

B.B. King's songs
from Look Who's Barking (513)

I was born in the junkyard,
A child of the streets,
My Dad was catching garbage,
And other tastes of treats.
Police chased and caught me,
I was in the pound alone,
The Bundys came and got me,
Didn't even bring a bone!
Yeah, yeah, I ain't talkin' jive.
I'll eat anything,
Even if it's alive.
Don't want no fax machine,
Got no use for a phone,
Don't even want my belly rubbed,
Just give me a blood-stained bone!
Starvin' out here, Mama,
Got no food to call my own.
You better watch your wives and children,
I'm out here prowlin' for a bone.

Woman makes you stupid,
Every man's a hound,
She says love's an ocean,
That she pulled you in to drown.
Woman makes you stupid,
Always playin' with your head,
Next time you'll be smiling,
Is the day you wake up dead.
Woman makes you stupid,
When she show a little tail,
I don't know why we need 'em,
Oh yeah: a coffin needs a nail!

Bud's Rap
from If Al Had a Hammer (603)

He came from the streets where everyone's meet
Guns in the night, but you wonder why she can't love no-one
'Cause he's on the run
Sleeps in the alley, wakes by the sun
Listen to the sirens, thinkin' they're for me
It's a lonely life for Grandmaster B
Yes, a lonely life for Grandmaster B.

I Care by Al Bundy
from The Mytersy of Skull Island (614)

When hooters jiggle around,
and I find nickels on the ground, I care.
When a mustang engine purrs,
and the bathroom is not hers, I care.
When the pitcher's on the mound,
and the wife is underground, I care.
But when I've been playing this for days,
I will kill anyone who stays, I swear!
To which Peggy adds:
...and if you really want a scare,
check out his underwear,
if you dare.

At the Nudie Bar
from Rites of Passage (616)

Where the music stinks, and they water the drinks, the nudie bar.
Where the girlies dance in their underpants, the nudie bar.
Where you see their butt, and their trap stays shut, at the nudie bar.

Where you can't touch a breast, but you can cave in a chest, at the nudie bar.
Where you look at a thigh, and blacken an eye, at the nudie bar.
Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundys kick ass, at the nudie bar.

New Psycho Dad theme song
from Teacher Pets (621)

A little touched or so we're told.
Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold.
Might as well, she was gettin' old.
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.
He's quick with a gun, and his job ain't done.
Killed his wife by twenty-one, he's Psy-cho Dad!

Psycho Mom theme song
from Teacher Pets (621)

Who's the gal who needs no man?
Killed him dead with the frying pan.
Did it 'cause he missed the can.
Psycho Mom, Psycho Mom, she's Psy-cho Mom!

Old Aid song
from Rock of Ages (709)

We are the old, we've got arthritis,
Our gums are weak [so weak], from gingivitis.
We are the old, we've got arthritis,
We are the ones who wear bifocals, and have bursitis.
There are people younger, but we heed another call,
We really need the money, our accountants took it all.
We sing to you, those who have money,
Once we was cool, but now we just dress funny.
We need your help, so please please dig deep,
Don't call after ten, 'cause we'll be asleep.
We have Medicare, and anti-gas pills,
But without your help, we can't pay our alimony bills.
We are the old, [They are the old,]
We have arthritis. [They have arthritis.]
Once we were gods, now golf excites us. [Golf excites 'em.]
So write a check [a really big one], for our December,
There's one more verse, but we can't remember...
(Music and lyrics by Jonathan Wolff)

Christmas jobs for Al
from Christmas (712)

With twelve days till christmas, your family got for you:
12 days fruit picking,
11 off-ramp selling,
10 toilets cleaning,
9 digging graves,
8 sneaking sewers,
7 spearing rats,
6 training guard dogs,
5 giving blood!
4 crash-test dummying,
3 jobs roach-killing,
2 jobs dog catching,
and one job Santaing at the mall.

Marcy's song for Santa-Al
from Christmas (712)

Bundy the no-man,
he's as bald as he can be.
With the hair in his nose and rot on his toes,
he's as bald as he can be.
Bundy the no-man,
he's as bald as he can be.
He's into old age,
making minimum wage,
he's as bald as he can be...

Peg, Bud & Kelly's variation of the Banana Boat Song
from Eatin' out (311)

Day old,
Day old bread,
Uncle Henry buys a day old bread.
Hey Mr. Bakerman, none of that fresh stuff,
Uncle Henry buys a day old bread...

The Polk High Song
from Scared Single (808)

Oh, Polk you're the best of all the schools,
Gor you will always share.
By day we learn to read and write,
By night our team will fight, fight, fight.
No matter where we are,
We'll always give a "ra"
For P-O-L-K, P-O-L-K, Polk, Polk, Polk.

Some Married Music in the Mall Lounge
from Scared Single (808)

My wife will never cook or clean,
She still the money spends.
Who knew when I first chose my mate
That she would put on that much weight.
Or sex we like for sure,
If it only worked with her.
Please K-I-L-L, K-I-L-L me, me, me.

More Nudie Bar sayings
from NO MA'AM (809)

Where a buck's enough to see their stuff, at the nudie bar.
Where the breasts may be fake but man do they shake, at the nudie bar.
Where you swear like a sailor, and wish you could nail her, at the nudie bar.
Where the cops are at the door, and there's a Kennedy on the floor, at the nudie bar.

Marcy's Circumcision Card
from Just a Little off the Top (812)

We heard about your little loss.
We know you'll make it through.
Because thankfully the part they took
Was of no use to you.
And though they took more than you'd like
The good luck is, you see:
Another quarter inch
It'd be a full labotomy!

Psycho Dad christmas episode
from The Worst Noel (813)

Who's that riding in the sleigh.
Who's that firing along the way.
Who's got the most popped on christmas day?
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

Al's Wife chant
from Honey, I Blew up Myself (814)

I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back.
I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack.
I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch.
I've seen her on her stupid couch.
I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall.
I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife!

Al's High School Valentine poem for Peggy
from Valentine's Day Massacre (818)

I love your hooters,
I love your ass,
Let's say we meet after class.

Ironhead Haynes' Nine Commandments
from Legend of Ironhead Haynes (821)

1. It's okay to call hooters "knockers" and sometimes "snack trays."
2. It is wrong to be French.
3. It's okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.
4. Lawyers: see rule three.
5. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.
6. Everyone should car pool but me.
7. Bring back the word "stewardesses"
8. Synchronized Swimming is not a sport.
9. Mudwrestling is a sport.

The New Adventures of Psycho Dad
from Kelly Knows Something (823)

Who is the tall, dark stranger there.
The one with the gun and the icy stare.
The one with the scalp of his ex-wife's hair.
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!
He's a durn good pa, but he hates the law.
He's to eat it raw, Psycho Dad!

Who's that ridin' across the plain.
Who's lost count of the wives he's slain.
Who is the man who's plum insane!
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!

Al singing the Psycho Dad theme
from I Want My Psycho Dad (Part 1) (913)

Who's gonna ride into the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

Marcy's Psycho Dad parody
from I Want My Psycho Dad (Part 1) (913)

Who's the guy whose show is done?
Whose TV hero's on the run?
Who'll be watching VH1?
Loser Al, Loser Al, Loser Al.

Christmas Nudie Bar sayings
from I Can't Believe It's Butter (1012)

Where Christmas is nice, and lap dances are half price, at the nudie bar.
Where you drink down the shooters, and unwrap the hooters, at the nudie bar.
Where eggnogs are plenty, and the girls all twenty, at the nudie bar.

Al's Top-Ten list for Marcy
from Kiss of the Coffee Woman (1023)

10. Wear traditional Islamic garb covering all but the eyes.
9. Feather removing electrolysis.
8. Ski mask.
7. Sew up holes in ski mask.
6. Hire attractive woman to stand in front of you at all times.
5. Beak job.
4. Put paper bag over ski mask.
3. Shave head, tatoo Cindy Crawford's face on back of head, and learn to walk backwards.
2. Poke out eyes of every man on Earth.
1. Get President to make every day Halloween.

Marcy's "Al's Gone" Chant
from Breaking up Is Easy to Do, Part II (1117)

Al Bundy's gone away
I'll have a gag-free day
It always pays to pray
I've never felt so gay!

Thanks a lot to "Marriedaniac"!

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© Andreas Carl 2002